BONSAI KITTEN

Dedicated to preserving the long lost art of body modification in housepets.

1. Due to popular demand from our prospective customers, we present this special example of hyper-modern, non-traditional bonsai. The containment vessel will be the stylish shell of a popular personal computer from a certain litigious hardware manufacturer. Please note that this use of the computer is not officially endorsed by the manufacturer, and may void the warranty!

2. The subject of this piece will be a human baby. We have chosen a female, due to the increased predilection for cats exhibited by this gender later in life.
Just kidding! The baby is present to demonstrate that due to the pre-formed holes in the computer shell, this product is especially suitable for infants, who are therefore able to pet the kitty's soft fur throughout the containment stage. Hope we didn't scare you! Shame on those pranksters who have e-mailed us suggesting we bonsai children; remember, the art of feline bonsai is for kittens only! In actual fact, the non-traditional aspect of this product is that it cannot be performed with just any kitty - it requires a specially bred high-birth-weight kitten, in order to fill the large interior of the cube.

3. Initial preparation of the vessel and feeding tube, and planning of the medication regimen and kitten arrangement is of critical importance to the successful outcome of the Cube Kitty. Considering the high cost of the containment vessel, you owe it to yourself to spend the extra time at the start. Your kitten, and your children, will thank you for it. Shown here are the vessel, Alessi shoehorn and scooper, integrated feed/waste tube coupling, sedative syringe, precision bone crush calipers, electric spinal former and vent drill.

4. Physical insertion and restraint proceeds more smoothly with anaesthetic pre-treatment. However, general anaesthesia with barbiturates often results in significant mortality when followed by long-term intubation and catheterization. Use of preanaesthetic agents such as chlorpromazine hydrochloride (25mg/kg), diazepam and propiopromazine (5mg/kg), or fentanyl and droperidol (a combination product, given at 0.22mL/kg) may reduce the dose of general anaesthetic by 50%, and often prolongs anaesthesia. Ketamine (45mg/kg) and xylazine (8mg/kg) given together, result in adequate general anaesthesia for even extreme manipulations. Since the weight variance of high-birth-weight kittens can be significant, it is important to check the exact weight on a scale immediately prior to dosage.

5. Initial insertion, with the aid of the ubiquitous Alessi shoehorn. Although insertion may seem simple through the wide opening, the shoehorn and other fine manipulation are recommended to prevent undesired fractures and subluxations of lumbar vertebrae. Although such untoward effects usually do not affect the final outcome in a cosmetically obvious fashion, Master Liu-Chen's writings repeatedly warn that deep tissue and skeletal damage due to careless cramming is sufficient to disqualify the resulting Bonsai Kitten from the highest levels of the art, and may also result in sub-optimal temperament as the kitten ages.

6. Head placement in the corner is recommended in order to maximise the sought-after "Bonsai Kitten" expression via skull faceting. The bone crush calipers and electric spinal former may be used at this point to ensure an attractive and comfortable arrangement of the kitten's supporting body parts.

7. Although the shell comes with several pre-formed openings, we recommend accurate placement of the feeding tube by custom-drilling a vent hole. This will serve to hold the kitten's head in place during the shaping process, preventing danger to infants as they play with their kitty through the larger petting holes. Matching the vent hole with the kitten's mouth is easier if the hole is drilled after insertion; the drill should be set to a low speed, and care should be taken not to apply too much forward pressure.

8. Kitten intubated with coaxial feed/air tube. Intubation proceeds more easily with liberal application of a topical anaesthetic gel, such as Xylogel, to the outside of the tube, which should be advanced down the oesophagus to at least one-third of the unconstrained body length. The kitten is shown receiving its first post-insertion meal of a measured dose of food slurry containing three parts chicken baby food, one part whole egg, one part Silastic rubber compound, one part Nutrical and one part water. As this kitten will be a display model, we have chosen to divert to a separate waste tube via Super Glue anus sealing as usual.

9. As can be seen here in this picture taken after one week of confinement, the Cube Kitty makes an ideal toy for children of all ages, from infant and up, and while still in the containment vessel can even double as playroom furniture! Although the built-in openings allow children to touch the kitten in complete safety, the exposed fur should be periodically wiped down with a cloth soaked in a dilute solution of antibacterial pet soap and parasite repellent.

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